Are you turning into the Mumzilla you never wanted to be?
Do you find your self yelling at your kids and then feel guilty about it at the end of the day?
No matter how much you try, do feel like you just can’t get them to listen sometimes?
If these sound familiar to you, don’t worry! Your are not ALONE!
Way before I had kids of my own, I always thought that I would be this cool mom who never lost her temper with her children, and I had this fairy tale imagination of how motherhood would be! I always wondered why other moms were so stressed out all the time, and according to my pre baby brain’s perception I wondered what was so hard about playing all day with them? it would be all fun and games. (I also blame Pinterest and celebrities for this misconception I had, because they always portray it like it’s some peaceful walk in the park.)
But… OH BOY, WAS I WRONG!
The initial days had its own set of challenges which I was not prepared for at all! (lets just keep this for another post) but, the toddler phase was the worst of all. I turned into this moody, angry person that I never wanted to be, my dreams of being the cool mom just went flying out of the window.
Life is stressful as it is – Work, deadlines, financial responsibilities, house chores, not to forget the family drama and in the middle of all this add your toddlers needy, whiny temper tantrums, it’s the perfect recipe for disaster.
In the midst of this chaos I found myself having my own set of melt downs and temper tantrums, I use to feel like I was losing my mind (still do, once in a while). The root cause for this were petite issues which weren’t even worth getting so worked up about; but, it turns out to be a big deal when I am in the middle of something and the kids suddenly decide to start fighting over a broken pencil, or when one picks up a toy the other one wants the exact same thing while there are 100s of other things to play with, when the toy box gets dumped for the millionth time, or when they just simply decide to scream on top of their voices, refuse to eat, refuse to go to bed or anything that involves them not listening to me, I loose it! I feel this rage bubbling inside that ultimately ends up in me yelling above their voices to get them to just listen.
Why do we do this?
To feel in control, because we feel powerless when we can’t get tiny human beings to just give ears to what we have to say. Have you ever thought of the fact that, that’s what our kids want too?
“CONTROL” over the things they want to do and to have that sense of independence. However, this yelling, spanking or anything aggressive isn’t going to help the situation in any way, It would only make it worse. It causes so much of mental and emotional damage to the child even more than we realize.
The biggest wake up call I ever had was one-day when I was in a seemingly good mood, my daughter happened to accidentally push over a jar full of rice when she was trying to find some cookies for herself; even though I did not loose my temper or get angry with her, she immediately got so scared that she ran away from me, hid behind the kitchen door and started crying. It broke my heart, I hated the person I had turned into, even though most of my yelling episodes were not meant to harm them, I hadn’t realized the kind of negative impact it had on them and adverse effect it had on the bond I was establishing with them. They were just simply scared of me!
That was the day I decided to completely change myself. With a little bit of help from dear Google I learnt to communicate effectively with my children and the changes I saw with my kids and myself were beyond my expectations. So, here are the few tips and tricks that have been tried, tested and worked for me –
MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF
Often times we forget to take care of ourselves, which always leads to a fussy grumpy mummy. So make some time for yourself, do what makes you happy and pamper yourself after all that we’ve been through we deserve it. Get help from anyone who is close to you – husband, family or friends and use this time to unwind.
STEP BACK AND BREATHE
when ever you feel like you are loosing it and about to yell, just stop! Take a step back and leave the room or if you are unable to leave the place you are at, just close your eyes, ignore everything around you and take a few deep breaths. Just remind your self that it’s okay to feel frustrated but, you can’t have control over everything.
DO NOT GIVE INTO THEIR TANTRUM
When we are just at our boiling point, we tend to give into their tantrums and give them whatever they ask for but our little master minds tend to make a habit out of it and they start using that as a technique to get things done their way. For example – my daughter has a very limited screen time but like every other kid even she is obsessed over being on the phone watching cartoons and playing games so when I take it away from her she tends to throw tantrums or she nags me about it when am busy with something, as she very well knows that I will give into it when am busy. The only way I got her out of that behaviour was to hold my ground I don’t yell, scold or anything I just say “no” and explain to her that screen time is over and put the device away. From that point onwards no matter how much she cries I completely hold my ground and offer some other activity to do.
GET DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL
kneel down squat or do something and get down to their eye level and always keep eye contact with them when you talk, kids feel validated and they feel like you are listening to them and understanding them when you do this. Yelling from another room or giving commands while you are towering them will never work, they will only cry more or refuse to listen to you.
TALK TO THEM LIKE ITS A SECRET
Yelling only trains them to listen to you when you raise your voice. Therefore, whatever you want them to do keep your voice down and be stern about whatever you have to say for example instead of saying “can you please pick up your toys?” you have to be more stern with them and say “pick up your toys, please”. This helps them understand that they don’t have any other option.
Always applaud and praise them once they are done it motivates them to listen to you more.
SHOW YOUR KIDS THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS
Every time you go out or give them something to play with tell them what you expect of them and the consequence if they don’t follow through with the rules. Being consistent about the consequences they face for the same behavior every time is key to disciplining them and to get them out of an undesirable habit. For example – when I go out to a restaurant, I always tell my kids that if they don’t behave themselves or if they throw a tantrum and run around, I would immediately bring them back home and I do really bring them back home immediately if they refuse to follow the rules. After a few times of being consistent on your word, your child would naturally know the consequence they would face if the rules are not followed.
LISTEN AND TEACH THEM TO EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONS
Most of the time these bad behavior or tantrums begin when your child feels unheard or when they don’t know how to express their emotions. If your child is crying and irritated, let them cry. Ask your baby whats upsetting them and tell them that it is okay to be upset but throwing a tantrum is not the way to express it. Ask them what you can do to make them feel better and help them explain it to you in the best way they can communicate. Being loving and nurturing is the key factor to break the temper issues and make your little one feel secure to share everything with you.
BE A ROLE MODEL
Last but not the least we are sometimes in denial of the fact that all the things that our kids learn are by looking at us. So the biggest change begins from us, our children copy everything that we do. When we are empathetic and nice to people and our children, they do the same; when we loose our temper, they loose their temper too. When we take care of our things well, they learn to take care of their belongings too. If you don’t like the way your child is handling a particular situation, teach them and talk to them about what’s right.
Always praise them when they do something right!
We all make mistakes and we all have our doubts but always know that you are doing the best you possibly can, just hold on mamma you are perfect for your child.
Being a parent is learning strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you never knew existed.
– unknown
The Brown Mom 